I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
