i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And then he peed in my hair
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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