is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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