your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize