Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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