he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
