I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
