Me too!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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