You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
