kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Randomize
