Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
