just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
