Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize