oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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