Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
