I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
