I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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