The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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