sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
