WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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