im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
