did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
