allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize