I hate your face
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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