eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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