also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize