I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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