She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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