who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
