If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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