There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize