And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
