Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
