listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
