take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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