What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
