Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
