yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize