WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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