I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
