So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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