um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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