Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
