A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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