My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize