Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
