RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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