when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
