I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
