Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize