it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
