So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
