Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
