Soap is not a condiment
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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