i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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