he shaved USA in his pubs
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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