Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
