Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
