Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
porn star boner night. come get it.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
