Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
