Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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