my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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