Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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