I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
