i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
