we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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