I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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