final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
