DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
