I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
